2014... the Story so Far

So, I started 2014 having never run more than a couple of half marathons, having only taken up running as something to do when I wasn't out on my bike.
I approached 2014 much the same as I approach any year. I'll ride my bike a bit, maybe enter a few races, and see what happens.

By the end of the year, I will have (or already have):

• Biked much less than usual (but still managed a trip to the Alps)
• Made running my main sporting focus
• Run my first marathon
• Run my first ultra marathon
• Have run over 1,000km with 25,000m of climbing
• (Hopefully) have enough UTMB points for either the CCC or the TDS next year
• Have a sporting master plan for 2015

2015 planning has already started with 3 races already entered, and another 2 or 3 potentials identified. I'm definitely looking forward to, and excited by, all of the running that I'll have to do in training for those.

There's a few adventures in the pipeline too, and I'll be working hard to make sure at least some of them happen.

But before all of that, I need to rest and recover in time for next weekend's CTS Dorset ultra; 45 easy miles... along Dorset's Jurassic coast. That'll be the final UTMB points I need for next year's entry.

Since the Lakes in a Day ultra, I haven't run nearly as much as I'd have liked to due to both injury and various life events getting in the way. I'm feeling fairly confident though, over the worst of any injuries; and at the end of the day, all I need to do is finish.

And as long as I can still put one foot in front of the other, I'm stubborn enough to make that happen.

The reason for being (well, for the blog, anyway)

There are many things that many people don’t know about me.

Even those closest to me: my colleagues; my closest friends; my family. Even the woman that, up until recently, I was lucky enough to spend that last 7 months of my life with, someone that I felt closer to than anyone ever before. Even she didn’t know, because I wasn't strong enough to talk to her about it.

People may say, “Yeah, I know Rich.” But they don’t.

They know the guy that’s a nice guy, goes out biking and running, goes out drinking and partying, is a dad to Katy and (usually) always has a huge grin on his face.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I don’t. That’s not me. Well, that’s only part of me. That’s the part that I want people to see.

The other part is a deeper, darker shade of black. And that’s someone that, up until now, only I’ve known.

I have down days, the same as everyone else does. I have very down days as well though. I have great days too.

On the very down days, I’ve locked myself in the house and refused to come out. I’ve refused to answer the phone. I’ve been drawn into my head and the negative cycle of self-destructive thoughts.

You can’t just tell me that I need to be happy in myself; exactly the same as you can’t tell the guy with a broken leg to walk it off.

I’ve spent a lot of the last few weeks trying to figure myself out. Trying to figure out why I don’t always like the person that I am.

I’ve realised recently that the blackness comes from my “mans’ best friend”: the black dog that’s always with me. Sometimes the dog is sitting on my chest barking at me that I’m not fast enough, not clever enough, not strong enough… just not good enough… the best that I can be, not good enough for you.

Sometimes, the dog’s running alongside me or just behind me on the trails, keeping me on my toes and pushing forwards.

One thing that’s for certain though, is that the dog’s always there.

I should probably give him a name…

Someone much wiser than me once said, “The deeper sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.”

During exercise or my good days, I can achieve an almost euphoric state. Afterwards, or during periods of inactivity, I descend into deeper and darker caverns than I would like to think most ‘normal people’ could imagine.

So, why am I telling you all of this?

I don’t know.

It’s not a cry for help. I’m not about to do something.

I guess it’s about helping myself get through. That not every day is a good day, but there’s some good in every day.

For now, I’m going to keep running. Someone very special gave me the inspiration to run long distance.

And the longer I run, the further the dog has to chase.